Screwing my life back into shape

After a very thought-provoking talk with one of my long lost buddies this morning i have decided that my life is utterly a complete mess and only I can fix it.
Until I had a talk with her I have never really sat down and had a long hard look at my life and why I have been feeling miserable. Im not saying that this is going to fix all my anti-social problems but Im seeing it as one step in the right direction.

I have realised that my life has turned into 50% consisting of uni life and 50% consisting of my love life. I always seemed content with this. However I have come to realise that I have neglected my friends.
Although life may seem perfect with the perfect man I can't help but think one also needs her friends to have a "content" life. So here comes step one in the " Let's get grace's social life back " project.
Like i need anymore projects in my life on top of all the crap the uni has offloaded onto me.

So first step is having a nice and thoughtful talk (over cake and coffee..hehe so cliched) with my boy about how I have been feeling lately and maybe seeing this as a hurdle that we both should overcome as a couple.

Then there's the whole analysing who i want really as my friend and not just being " friends" with them just because i like the title.

I love growing up and being mature...I really do.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I have never really been a huge fan of rock/punk, always been the one "bumpin and grindin " to rnb artists who croon out their tunes around the topics of sex, drugs, love etc. But there's something about this song that i relate to ....

I walk a lonely road

The only one I that have ever known

Don't know were it goes

But its home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street

On the boulevard of broken dreams

Where the city sleeps

And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me

My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

Till then I walk alone
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

I'm walking down the line

That divides me somewhere in my mind

On the border line of the edge

And were I walk alone
Read between the lines of what's Fucked up and every things all right

Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive

And I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk alone

I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me

My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

Till then I walk alone
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

I walk aloneI walk a...
I walk this empty street

On the Boulevard of broken dreams

Were the city sleeps

And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me

My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating

Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

Till then I'll walk alone

Theres something thats so true in this song that calls out to me . I don't know what it is but it makes me think just how alone in the world we can all feel sometimes. Due to recent personal issues in my life, it has made me think about the morbid topic of life and death. Just how alone we are all going to feel when we do die.

I know lately i have been quite depressed in my blogs, which i do apologize for but at the same time I don't know when this depressing mood/stage is going to end. It surely can't be great to feel like this but at the same time I don't know how to stop or maybe i dont want to stop feeling like this.

Swirls of Life

Im suppose to be getting ready to go to uni for my org mgt class yet what am i doing? bloggin. ah well..time this needs a bit of an update anyway. I have recently been getting into the online habit of browsing through other people's blogs. Yes i know this may seem a tad bit creepy and stalkerish but i guess its the nosiness inside all of is to get a glimpse of how others are coping with life. And it seems that we all are facing some sort of crisis in our lives, where we dont know why we are here, don't know who our real friends are, don't know why we are studying the course/in the job that we are in and just generally feeling a bit detached from the rest of the world.

I cant help but feel that I am also in this sort of situation. I like to call this a period where life "swirls" past you so fast that you barely have time to blink before everything has gone. I don't knwo whether its me becoming mature or anti-social but lately i feel that the only friend i do have is my boyfriend. That sounds so sad, and i bet those of you who have lots of friends are probably snickering thinking im a complete and utter loner. However the most startling thing is that I don't really care anymore about the opinion of others but rather try to live for myself. Sure i have lots of other friends that you call to say "hi what's up" and things like that but deep down inside i just don't feel that type of connection anymore with anyone but Sanel. Some people may see this as me being dependant on him and perhaps i am probably more than i would like to be. I don't know where this has started, this anti-social behaviour.

Last weekend it was my 18th birthday . A moment i thought i'd be going out clubbing, getting drunk with a whole bunch of friends. But I didnt. and i can't say that i am sad that I didn't either.
Perhaps i am becoming detached from the world or maybe I am just finally growing up and realising who I really am inside.

Just trying a test run of posting pics. This one is of me on our annual family holiday. I was on a cruise in Lakes Entrance.  

A new chapter in my "mature" life

Well, the big one-eight has come and gone. My actual party is next week ( and i cannot wait to get tanked!! *evil grin*) but my actual birthday ( 4th March) was spent with the one specail person in my life... Sanel. It started off in the morning, with me on the net and i was considering actually bloggin but then thought i didn't want to look like i was a sad case with nothing to do on her birthday besides blog. And then around lunchtime he came over ( yes the parents were out of the house..you think i wanted to be murdered on my eighteenth?!) with a birthday pizza..thank you boo! Afer we ate and watched some t.v we went out to the city. First we went to the Rialto, and it was so beautiful up there. The ony drawback was that it was really cloudy so we didn't get to see a sunset or anything. Afterwards, we went to Crown to eat at number eight. It was classy to say the least, and my kangaroo fillet was interesting. Then we went to the pokies ( i wanted an excuse to flash my i.d! haha) and won $20. It was time to go home by then and plus Sanel was starting to get seriously addicted to the flashing lights of the machines. hehe He's so cute. Then i came home to my "supposed to be delivered in the morning" present from my boo. I'll post some pictures of it up here soon. I loved it Baby thank you!! So all in all, that would probabaly be the best actual birthday I have had.

However, I cant really say I feel any different. I am now ( in the eyes of the law) an "independent adult". yipee. The only thing that my birthday really made me think about was how different my life is now compared to last year and even these last couple of months since i've left high school. I was discussing this not long ago with my friend, just about how i have changed a lot as a person these last couple of months and it got me thinking of a post I read on a blog not long ago either.


"The Quarterlife Crisis" by Alexandra Robbins & Abby Wilner.

They call it the "quarter-life crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now.You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you, or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One-night stands and random hookups start to look cheap, and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you.You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it and we are all in this together. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are a very much a circle. We are there for one another, and will listen and help heal and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's hearts. We are the group who will always call on birthdays and laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. We are a group that talks trash about the same people we call to meet up with on a Friday night, but we are sorry about it and we know that they know that we were just being insecure like they have been. We are friends, and in 10 years, when we have figured out where we fit in this world, we will still be friends always and forever

I guess this got me thinking about a lot of things in my life and where I am at now. It's not that Im not happy and content with my life now. I guess I am somewhat, astounded at how fast my life has changed. The materialistic things I once thought were important no longer matter as much to me anymore. The friends I had always thought I could count on have shown me their true faces in times when I needed their support the most. Sometimes I am glad that my life is like this now, with me having a clear view about the priorities in my life yet sometimes I just wish that things did go back to the way they were.

Anyway more about that later. For now It's back to my Quantitative Analysis tute work..

I am sick of compound interests and annuities..makes me think twice about getting a home loan..then again who needs a home when you got a box to live in..interest free as well