A Broken Promise
Sorry about my absence from this blog..been busy with the details of my life, uni, work, boyf, friends... argh. Im in a shit mood atm. Isn't it weird when you are upset, thats usually whenyou find time yourself to come and blog? Or maybe thats just me..god im so morbid!
Why am I in a shit mood? Well lets just say ive had a originally what started out as a good day RUINed. I am not here to blame anyone but simply just reflect on a few of my thoughts. I wont go into details of what happened..but basically "S" let me down badly today. In all our 2 years together, I dont think he has dissapointed and hurt me this much yet. and no im not over-reacting.
When you promise someone something..it is like an unwritten obligation that you fulfill? I am not perfect, and I will admit that I have broken many promises before, to people I care about. I guess it is true what they say about karma then..
Another thought...I think a relationship is about sacrifice. As in, you sometimes have to do things that you may not like/enjoy as much as your partner but you do it anyway because all you want to do is see them happy. Im not talking about getting your way all the time, but its about makign each other happy. After all, isnt that why we are with each other? Isnt that why there are millions of songs, books about it...we are all raised up with the idea that we have to go through life and find "the one". So I guess when you think you may have found it, you hold on so tight, like a small child to its treasured toy..and we dont let go.
So yes back to the sacrificing thing..I believe that sacrifice plays a big deal in it all. So when I am given the excuse of " I want time to myself"....I am not saying that you cant have your private time, in fact I understand the sheer pleasure of just having time with yourself. I actually admire those ppl that can go to the movies by themselves, as I would never have the guts to do that. but you know that un-wind time and I would never deny you of that. Yet, when you tell me that " I dont want to do something just to make you happy yet I dont wannna doit/make myself unhappy" then I have a problem with it.
I am not asking to be number one. In fact, all my life I have never been number one to anyone so why would I want that now? But for you to basically turn around and be like "i dont care about you, your feelings, how important it was to you,..i come first", thats just downright wrong. Honestly, is that someone who sounds like they want to be in a relationship?
You dont want the responsibility of caring about another person's feelings, actions, thoughts then dont be in a relationship. I have nothing against single people, I completely accept that not everyone is a sad ass romantic like myself that wants to keep bloody searching until she finds "the one". I know that there are people in the world that are perfectly happy at having a relationship with me, myself and I. They aren't conceited, I only get concerned when someone who is like that is in a relationship cos clearly they shouldnt be.
As much as it hurts me, after 2 years of putting everything into this relationship, if that is the person you really are and they are your priorities in life then I guess we weren't meant to be. Because its not fair to you, to deny yourself of being single and its also not fair to me, to drag me along for the ride when im the idiot here thinking that this is going to actually have a future.
Perhaps I am an idiot for loving you too much. I knew it from the beginning that it would be different, that this kind of love I felt wasnt like my past relationships...never have I felt that I love someone so much it hurts and I was scared of it. Scared because it was new to me and also scared about what would happen if one day you were gone from my life. ANd i guess it is this kind of love that still makes excuses for you, that you can change and that all this shit is in my head. I guess when you believe in something so much you just dont want to give up until you see your desired result.
I dont know anymore..I really dont.
Why am I in a shit mood? Well lets just say ive had a originally what started out as a good day RUINed. I am not here to blame anyone but simply just reflect on a few of my thoughts. I wont go into details of what happened..but basically "S" let me down badly today. In all our 2 years together, I dont think he has dissapointed and hurt me this much yet. and no im not over-reacting.
When you promise someone something..it is like an unwritten obligation that you fulfill? I am not perfect, and I will admit that I have broken many promises before, to people I care about. I guess it is true what they say about karma then..
Another thought...I think a relationship is about sacrifice. As in, you sometimes have to do things that you may not like/enjoy as much as your partner but you do it anyway because all you want to do is see them happy. Im not talking about getting your way all the time, but its about makign each other happy. After all, isnt that why we are with each other? Isnt that why there are millions of songs, books about it...we are all raised up with the idea that we have to go through life and find "the one". So I guess when you think you may have found it, you hold on so tight, like a small child to its treasured toy..and we dont let go.
So yes back to the sacrificing thing..I believe that sacrifice plays a big deal in it all. So when I am given the excuse of " I want time to myself"....I am not saying that you cant have your private time, in fact I understand the sheer pleasure of just having time with yourself. I actually admire those ppl that can go to the movies by themselves, as I would never have the guts to do that. but you know that un-wind time and I would never deny you of that. Yet, when you tell me that " I dont want to do something just to make you happy yet I dont wannna doit/make myself unhappy" then I have a problem with it.
I am not asking to be number one. In fact, all my life I have never been number one to anyone so why would I want that now? But for you to basically turn around and be like "i dont care about you, your feelings, how important it was to you,..i come first", thats just downright wrong. Honestly, is that someone who sounds like they want to be in a relationship?
You dont want the responsibility of caring about another person's feelings, actions, thoughts then dont be in a relationship. I have nothing against single people, I completely accept that not everyone is a sad ass romantic like myself that wants to keep bloody searching until she finds "the one". I know that there are people in the world that are perfectly happy at having a relationship with me, myself and I. They aren't conceited, I only get concerned when someone who is like that is in a relationship cos clearly they shouldnt be.
As much as it hurts me, after 2 years of putting everything into this relationship, if that is the person you really are and they are your priorities in life then I guess we weren't meant to be. Because its not fair to you, to deny yourself of being single and its also not fair to me, to drag me along for the ride when im the idiot here thinking that this is going to actually have a future.
Perhaps I am an idiot for loving you too much. I knew it from the beginning that it would be different, that this kind of love I felt wasnt like my past relationships...never have I felt that I love someone so much it hurts and I was scared of it. Scared because it was new to me and also scared about what would happen if one day you were gone from my life. ANd i guess it is this kind of love that still makes excuses for you, that you can change and that all this shit is in my head. I guess when you believe in something so much you just dont want to give up until you see your desired result.
I dont know anymore..I really dont.
posted by cookies @ 2:21 am
2 Comments:
At 3:18 pm,
Anonymous said…
Hey babe!
You're not an idiot babe.
Aren't we all meant to be loved by someone and find someone who will put you first or at least "one of those firsts"?
I know that I've found that one and maybe you have too. Maybe its a rough patch!
Anyway dont know what im talking about, haha.
Miss ya babe hope to see you soon!
Love ya!
Monica xox
At 11:37 pm,
Anonymous said…
sup girl
finally got into your site after asking you about it =P
nehoo...this post is really deep mans...i understand how you feel..hence the guys infuriate me blog on my page lmao
to be 2nd in anything doesn't feel good right?...so maybe he's just confused.
2 years you have been with him and obviously you must like something about him yeah? so he might not have put you first this time; this may be perceived as selfishness in your eyes, am i right?
grace, everyone is selfish whether you believe it or not, and sometimes we crack under pressure. so he might be thinking that he's putting you're needs first all the time instead of his own because he's around you all the time and always wants to see you happy.
so, it may seem to always be you you you and never him.
i can see where you're coming from though. you just wanna smack him out and go "what the fk* is wrong with you?" haha yeah...give it a few days and put yourself in each others shoes...you'll work it out...trust me...you guys have been thru too much to let something little like this get to you!!
if any of this doesnt make sense...its coz one of my eyes are closing due to lack of sleep =] haha
take kares babe!...you'll pull thru i believe in you *muahs*
s2 always
jenn
p.s. im definately down for the catch up =]
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